You know, the more I think about what happened and the more I listen to song "A&E", the more I see how the song rings true as to what happened to me. The full lyrics to the song are written below and it is just scarily accurate as to what happened to me, my feelings and emotions, and the processes that lead up to me ending up in A&E. The lyrics that I can relate to and mean something to me are highlighted, and I will explain them in more detail below. The yellow highlights are very accurate, and are near enough true to 'the Accident' and my week in hospital; the purple highlights are still true, but more relating to feelings and emotions I felt during the week in hospital.
"It's a blue, bright blue Saturday, hey hey
And the pain is starting to slip away, hey hey
I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's shining,
Think I want you still
But there may be pills at work
Do you really wanna know how I was dancing on the floor?
I was trying to phone you as I'm crawling out the door
I'm amazed at you, the things you say and that you don't do
Why don't you ring?
I was feeling lonely, feeling blue
Feeling like I needed you
Like I'm waking up surrounded by me
A&E
It's a blue, bright blue Saturday, hey hey
And the pain is starting to slip away, hey hey
I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's shining
Think I want you still
But there may be pills at work
How did I get to accident and emergency?
All I wanted was you to take me out high
And I was feeling lonely, feeling blue
Feeling like I needed you
Like I hoped you'd call and hoped you'd see me
A&E"
"A&E" by Goldfrapp
Firstly, the lines "It's a blue, bright blue Saturday" "And the pain is starting to slip away" relates to the Saturday after my surgery, when the sun was shining through the windows, and the pain was indeed starting to slip away, as I finally had a combination of painkillers that managed to take the pain away! "I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's shining" rings true as I was in one of those backless dress/gown things that tie up at the back that you have to wear when you have surgery. The line "I was trying to phone you" relates to the moment before I collapsed when I was sat on the concrete wall, making that final phone call before 'the Accident' happened. The next line "I was feeling lonely, feeling blue" does relate to the accident as I know I was feeling lonely and blue, due to the way I was feeling generally before this all happened. The next line is very symbolic to me as it's near enough exactly what happened to me "Like I'm waking up surrounded by me, A&E" as I did wake up surrounded by me in A&E, feeling like I was totally on my own as it didn't feel like I was anywhere, as I was in and out of consciousness and totally spaced out by the trauma. Then finally, the most significant line from the whole song, and the reason why I started this blog in the first place "How did I get to accident and emergency?" as I will never know exactly what happened to me and how I ended up in A&E; how I fell, who saw me, how long it took, what happened in A&E and in that first night and subsequent week.
The lines I have highlighted in purple I use to show my personal emotions I felt before, during, and after 'the Accident'. Although this does relate to the emotions I was feeling during my week in hospital, they are private and personal feeling which I wont go into. But I will explain about the line: "Think I want you still, But there may be pills at work". Now, this relates to the fact that during my time in hospital, mainly after my operation on the Thursday of that week, I may have decided it would be a good idea to send certain people text messages. Now, as I was drugged up with painkillers, still feeling the effects of the anesthetic and generally feeling very odd, I sent people text messages I may not have had the courage to send in my normal life! I never got a response from one, and still to this day am perplexed and confused by the whole matter, but I know in this life you only get one shot, and at least I tried, so I can't regret anything I have sent. I cannot regret it, else I would still be sat and wondering 'what if'. The other text message I did get a response from, and I am glad I was in such a state to be able to send it as I managed to mend a bridge, a bridge that was as broken as they get. So at least something good did come out of all of this!
The other lines:"All I wanted was you to take me out high", "And I was feeling lonely, feeling blue, Feeling like I needed you, Like I hoped you'd call and hoped you'd see me" are all significant to the emotions and feelings I had while in hospital, but like I said, I am not going to divulge that sort of information! Just that when you are in a such a life changing situation, where you suffer a sudden and traumatic accident, you get to think and re-evaluate your life. This included me thinking about everything in my life; past, present and indeed in the future. Such an ordeal makes you realise the massive mistakes you have made, and makes you realise where you want to be in your life, who you want to be with and what your goals are. Although I still need to find the courage to be able to finish what I have started, I know it's the right thing to do, I just wish I would get a response from said person! However, I now want to reach for all those dreams that glitter, and I am determied to get them!
I finish this post with the line "Do you really wanna know how I was dancing on the floor?" as it's the question I want to show, as although I collapsed and fell to the floor in a lifeless heap, I use the dancing aspect to metaphorically show the trauma I suffered in a matter of seconds and the following hours after my head hit the floor. Although I was a lifeless heap on the concrete floor, I was dancing in my head following the trauma, drifting in and out of consciousness, caught between dream land and reality. I was in a world I do not remember, but somewhere along the line that lies between reality and dream land, where life stood still and was totally empty.
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