Teaching myself...again...

One thing I have realised is that when you suffer a head injury, you have to teach yourself to do simple things you have been doing your whole life. This isn't literal teaching, but subconscious teaching, in that the good side of the brain is telling the bad and “damaged” side what to do again. As I suffered a head injury, and subsequent damage to my brain, no matter whether it’s slight damage or more long term damage, my brain would have been knocked out of sync. The fact is that I had a pool of blood between my skull and brain, which would have been causing pressure on my brain for 3 whole days, until I had surgery to remove the clot of blood, so damage must have been done. No matter how I look at it, even if it’s slight damage that will eventually get better or more serious, damage was done. The simple things I did countless times before the 15th February are not simple anymore, and I need to teach myself these things all over again. I need to learn how to deal and cope with certain “normal” everyday situations again, how to balance, see and hear. This is why my recovery is taking so long, as I need time to rest and recover and let my head and brain heal, then start the rehabilitation of simple, day-to-day things. 

The neurological issues I have been suffering from include balance and coordination problems, double vision, head aches, deafness and ringing in my left ear. Now, as much as I have needed to rest and relax in order to heal my head and brain, I have also had to keep moving, and try to correct my balance problems, what with being such a big issue in my day-to-day life. I have been mainly walking with crutches, as not that I have problems with my legs working, but more to keep my balance when I am walking, and also shows a reason why I could be walking oddly, rather than just looking drunk! But no, slowly but surely, I am getting my balance back, either that or I am just compensating the balance problems. But isn't that what the brain does, if damage is done and something is not functioning as it should, does the brain not just compensate and deal with the issue, while healing occurs? I just need to realise this isn’t going to be an over-night job, and that it is going to take time to get my brain working as normal. I have had to deal with a massive trauma, where my brain was smashed, shook up, bruised and knocked out of sync. It is just hard for me to realise this, but if I do things slowly and take me time, things will eventually return to normal…well I hope so anyway. 

I have realised recently I have serious issues coping with people; I don’t mean my friends, but people in the outside world. I haven’t actually been outside on my own since the accident happened, mainly due to living with my mum, but also that I don’t yet have the confidence to brave the outside. Because my balance is so bad, I just do not feel confident walking outside, and I’m worried that I will collapse again. I know I need to get that out my head, but it did happen, and so suddenly, which means I will worry it will happen again. And until I get confident that I can walk and deal with my balance problems, light headedness and dizziness, I wont really get my confidence back.

Seven Pounds

I saw a film over a week ago now, probably nearer two weeks ago, called 'Seven Pounds'. It stars Will Smith (Ben Thomas) and Rosario Dawson (Emily Posa) as the two main characters in the film. The story focuses on "An IRS agent (Ben Thomas) with a fateful secret, who embarks on an extraordinary journey of redemption by forever changing the lives of seven strangers (one of which is Emily Posa)" (IMDb). Now, I wont give too much away about the storyline and the film, as I would highly recommend to see it. It is a fabulous film, moving and inspiring, and I found it quite amazing even though I couldn't hear it, as at the time, I was lying on my good ear. However, I still managed to get what was going on, and how the story was progressing etc.

This film is significant to me and to my accident, as about half way through the film Emily was walking to her front door after taking her dog 'Duke' for a walk. She suddenly slows down just outside her gate, and stumbles whilst trying to grab hold of her gate post, she stumbles a bit more, then just completely falls to the floor like a brick. This rather shocking image of her just falling to the floor, would have been shocking to anyone, as it was so quick and sudden, but to me, it meant more as that is exactly what happened to me. Suddenly I could not only picture, but also see how my accident must have happened. The image of a person, just falling to the ground, so quickly and with such force, and in a matter of seconds, still disturbs me. The image of her body just giving way and her head smashing to the floor, and then seeing her lifeless body on the floor...still disturbs me even now. It must be a horrible sight for anyone to actually see a person collapsing like I did, and see my head smash to the floor. My head must have hit the floor with some force, due to the injuries I sustained.

Although the image was shocking to see, and still disturbs me today, as that must have been what happened to me, it will eventually help me. It will hep me come to terms with what happened, as it has shown me what I will never know, and will help me put the pieces together.

The more the song lyrics ring true......

You know, the more I think about what happened and the more I listen to song "A&E", the more I see how the song rings true as to what happened to me. The full lyrics to the song are written below and it is just scarily accurate as to what happened to me, my feelings and emotions, and the processes that lead up to me ending up in A&E. The lyrics that I can relate to and mean something to me are highlighted, and I will explain them in more detail below. The yellow highlights are very accurate, and are near enough true to 'the Accident' and my week in hospital; the purple highlights are still true, but more relating to feelings and emotions I felt during the week in hospital. 

"It's a blue, bright blue Saturday, hey hey

And the pain is starting to slip away, hey hey

I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's shining,

Think I want you still

But there may be pills at work

Do you really wanna know how I was dancing on the floor?

I was trying to phone you as I'm crawling out the door

I'm amazed at you, the things you say and that you don't do

Why don't you ring?

I was feeling lonely, feeling blue

Feeling like I needed you

Like I'm waking up surrounded by me

A&E

It's a blue, bright blue Saturday, hey hey

And the pain is starting to slip away, hey hey

I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's shining

Think I want you still

But there may be pills at work

How did I get to accident and emergency?

All I wanted was you to take me out high

And I was feeling lonely, feeling blue

Feeling like I needed you

Like I hoped you'd call and hoped you'd see me

A&E"

"A&E" by Goldfrapp

Firstly, the lines "It's a blue, bright blue Saturday" "And the pain is starting to slip away" relates to the Saturday after my surgery, when the sun was shining through the windows, and the pain was indeed starting to slip away, as I finally had a combination of painkillers that managed to take the pain away! "I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's shining" rings true as I was in one of those backless dress/gown things that tie up at the back that you have to wear when you have surgery. The line "I was trying to phone you" relates to the moment before I collapsed when I was sat on the concrete wall, making that final phone call before 'the Accident' happened. The next line "I was feeling lonely, feeling blue" does relate to the accident as I know I was feeling lonely and blue, due to the way I was feeling generally before this all happened. The next line is very symbolic to me as it's near enough exactly what happened to me "Like I'm waking up surrounded by me, A&E" as I did wake up surrounded by me in A&E, feeling like I was totally on my own as it didn't feel like I was anywhere, as I was in and out of consciousness and totally spaced out by the trauma. Then finally, the most significant line from the whole song, and the reason why I started this blog in the first place "How did I get to accident and emergency?" as I will never know exactly what happened to me and how I ended up in A&E; how I fell, who saw me, how long it took, what happened in A&E and in that first night and subsequent week.

The lines I have highlighted in purple I use to show my personal emotions I felt before, during, and after 'the Accident'. Although this does relate to the emotions I was feeling during my week in hospital, they are private and personal feeling which I wont go into. But I will explain about the line: "Think I want you still, But there may be pills at work". Now, this relates to the fact that during my time in hospital, mainly after my operation on the Thursday of that week, I may have decided it would be a good idea to send certain people text messages. Now, as I was drugged up with painkillers, still feeling the effects of the anesthetic and generally feeling very odd, I sent people text messages I may not have had the courage to send in my normal life! I never got a response from one, and still to this day am perplexed and confused by the whole matter, but I know in this life you only get one shot, and at least I tried, so I can't regret anything I have sent. I cannot regret it, else I would still be sat and wondering 'what if'. The other text message I did get a response from, and I am glad I was in such a state to be able to send it as I managed to mend a bridge, a bridge that was as broken as they get. So at least something good did come out of all of this!

The other lines:"All I wanted was you to take me out high", "And I was feeling lonely, feeling blue, Feeling like I needed you, Like I hoped you'd call and hoped you'd see me" are all significant to the emotions and feelings I had while in hospital, but like I said, I am not going to divulge that sort of information!  Just that when you are in a such a life changing situation, where you suffer a sudden and traumatic accident, you get to think and re-evaluate your life. This included me thinking about everything in my life; past, present and indeed in the future. Such an ordeal makes you realise the massive mistakes you have made, and makes you realise where you want to be in your life, who you want to be with and what your goals are. Although I still need to find the courage to be able to finish what I have started, I know it's the right thing to do, I just wish I would get a response from said person! However, I now want to reach for all those dreams that glitter, and I am determied to get them!

I finish this post with the line "Do you really wanna know how I was dancing on the floor?" as it's the question I want to show, as although I collapsed and fell to the floor in a lifeless heap, I use the dancing aspect to metaphorically show the trauma I suffered in a matter of seconds and the following hours after my head hit the floor. Although I was a lifeless heap on the concrete floor, I was dancing in my head following the trauma, drifting in and out of consciousness, caught between dream land and reality. I was in a world I do not remember, but somewhere along the line that lies between reality and dream land, where life stood still and was totally empty.

3 weeks on and I still have to be like the tortoise....

It has now been nearly four weeks since my surgery, and just over a month since 'the Accident' happened. In some respects it seems like ages ago that I was back home, in the flat I share with my best friend, and in my room, on my bed with the cats sat around me, like they did the weekend before all this happened! But when I try and think about everything that has happened since, it doesn't seem long at all. I suppose I have lived through four incredibly hard weeks, yet it only seems like a few due to my memory loss. This is how my head looks, three weeks after surgery, compared to the first photo I took, the day I was released from hospital.     

Photo take 23/02/10

Photo take 12/03/10

So yes, there is visible improvement in that, and I can see that my scar is healing and that my hair is growing, not like I would like though! But I am struggling to see further improvement in the other problems I have. My vision and balance seemed to improve in the first few weeks of being at my mum's, but now the improvement seems to have leveled off. This is when I have to face facts that it may take much more time, and I have to prepare myself just in case it does take longer than I have hoped it would. I just have to deal with the bad day's, and as much as the bad day's appear to be happening a lot recently; I know the good day's will eventually come too! Spring is just around the corner, so the weather will be warming up, and the promise of summer and all the fabulous long, sunny days will soon be knocking at our doors!

I just have to rest and be like the tortoise and not the hare, in that "slow and steady wins the race". If I take things slow, one baby step at a time, I know I will pull through this and come out smiling like I always have done! It is hard to stay positive when you see little or no improvement at all, and as much as I want to go full steam ahead, I can't, as I will just make myself worse. So I just have to rest and relax, take small steps, and let my body and head recover at it's own pace. I am seeing a neurologist in the middle of April, four weeks away, but even if I am better, I can still ask questions and get information that I don't have and at least put some answers to the questions I still have. I am seeing my doctor next week too, as he wants to see me every two weeks just to make sure I am okay and to see how I am progressing. 

But so far, nearly four weeks after my operation, my scar is healing and my hair is growing; but I still have double vision, major balance issues and I am still totally deaf in my left ear and suffer from constant ringing as well. I also still have problems with my jaw, as I think it must have something to do with what happened in the operation. On my left side, it feels tight and feels like its pulling on the muscle when I open my mouth, and still cant really open it as normal, and struggle to even get a sandwich in my gob! And the headaches, oh the headaches are still with me. They did seem to go away in the early days, but they now seem to have returned, and with a vengeance. I must have consumed so much paracetamol in the last month, and know I will continue to consume more before I get better!

I managed to do quite a lot of damage in those few seconds when I collapsed and hit my head on the floor!

A new concrete memory!

I think I have a new memory...well figured out a more concrete memory anyway!

It suddenly popped into my head yesterday, that I have a more fixed memory of when I came round in the ambulance, from being unconscious. I remember suddenly waking up, like I have said, staring up at the celling of the ambulance, but now I remember more. I looked to the right of me and saw the woman paramedic who immediately said "do you know where you are", to which I replied "no". I seem to remember not being able to talk very well, and that it was very hard work to get any sort of sound out my mouth. She then said "do you know what happened", to which I replied again "no". She then must have mentioned about the passersby, who saw me collapse and smash my head, and that they rang 999. Then I think she asked me what the date was, to which I replied "march 2008". Then it goes blank again, so I must have fallen unconscious again.

Even though it is only a very small memory, it is more of a concrete memory than before, so I can at least figure out I didn't wake up until I was in the ambulance, and then feel unconscious soon after the paramedic had asked me a few questions.

It's a new memory anyway, and one more I can add to the small list from that entire week!

Back to the scene of 'the Accident'

Okay, so it was mother's day yesterday, and my sister decided to come to Exeter for the day so she could treat my mum to lunch. She lives in Cornwall, so she had arranged to meet us at midday in Exeter city centre. As I can't walk in a straight line, let alone drive, my mum has been driving me to places. We were in the car on the way to Exeter and something suddenly pops into my head - I wanted to go back to the spot by the river where I had 'the Accident'. Now you will notice that I have suddenly changed to using 'the Accident'; having a capital A and showing it in quotation marks. I am not sure why I have suddenly done this, but it maybe something to do with the recovery and healing process. Although I only started this after I went back to the scene of 'the Accident', so it might have evolved from hidden emotions or feeling I had from the visit. Anyway, back to the car journey to Exeter when I suddenly realised I wanted to go back to the spot by the river. So I ask mum if it would be okay to stop by the river on the way back home, to which she agrees without a moments thought. 

The day goes well; we have lunch, amused by the antics of my totally adorable baby nephew, then have a long stroll through town. We say our goodbye's to my sister, brother-in-law and nephew a few hours later, then set off to the river the other side of town. I have to admit I had a mixture of excitement and anxiety on our way there, as I just did not know what to expect or how I was going to feel. We get to Cowick Street, and park a short distance from where the footpath goes down to the river, where I know it must have happened. Walking across the road, I start to think about that Monday and my walk to the river from work, but I can't seem to picture it at all. I remember leaving work, but then the walk there is just not in my memory any more. So we cross the road, and meet the river, at the path I know I must have walked down to sit on the concrete step where I made my phone call. With the wind blowing in our faces, the great expanse where the river lies met us. I stand still, as if frozen, trying to get any memory in my head to come out; but it doesn't. It takes me a few minutes to actually see the spot where I was sat, as I do remember sitting on a concrete step. The picture below is the concrete step, or wall as it turns out to be, I remember being sat on, right next to where my bag is pictured. That memory is the only vivid memory I have from that entire day; I was sat on the wall, with my bag to the right of me and was looking out over the river.

The concrete wall I remember being sat on, next to my bag!

So, both me and my mum sit of the concrete wall, in the exact position I remember being sat at, and look out over the river. Right, so now we figured that one out, we had to try and piece together what might have happened! I was both surprised and grateful that no memories what so ever came flooding back when we got to the concrete wall, as I don't think I could have faced the horrid memories that could have come back. We then start to piece together what we knew about 'the Accident' (the keen forensic anthropologist that I want to be!!) I knew that I had stood up from being sat down, as I do have a memory of that, and it was also written on my notes.  

Possible routes I may have stumbled during 'the Accident'

Right, so above is a photo of the area where I must have had 'the Accident' and the area where I must have collapsed. The red circle is where I remember sitting, the red square is where I would have stood up when I had the flashing black lights, and the three different clear red circles show the possible route my stumbling may have taken me. The first route, number 1, would have meant I stood up, then stumbled to the left of me, trying to grab onto something, then blacked out and collapsed, hitting the left side of my head on the concrete wall. Number 2 shows I may have stood up, stumbled a bit, but blacked out and collapsed very quickly, without managing to stumble very far. The last possible route, number 3, meant I must have stumbled a fair way across the path trying to grab onto something before I blacked out, collapsed, then smashed the left side of my head on the low curb type concrete edge to the path! So we worked out three possible routes as to how I succumbed my damaged head! I am not sure which one I think is the one that would have been more likely to have happened, or whether it was a mixture of all three. I do remember stumbling for a fair bit, drastically trying to grab onto something as I knew I couldn't stand and was very close to collapsing. I know there was a woman, pushing a grey pram up the hill towards me, and she must have been the 'passer by' that saw me and dialled 999. 

So although I still don't know exactly what happened in those few minutes before I blacked out and collapsed, I am a bit closer to understanding what may have happened. And going back to the exact scene will eventually help me to come to terms with the whole ordeal, even though now it has just left me feeling numb.

Friday 26th February 2010 and The Road to Recovery.....

So now my journey leads me to the road to recovery. I survive a very traumatic fall, suffer through three days with a blood clot in my head, battle through the operation to my head and brain, and still come out with that "killer" smile on my face. Now I find myself on the road to recovery, the long uphill struggle to get back to being "me" again. I suppose part of my problem is that I think I will just be back to normal again, at the drop of a hat. But no, I suffered major trauma to my head and I had brain surgery for god's sake! I think I must have knocked the common sense out of me during my accident! But no, all jokes aside, I am just the worlds worst patient. I just can't sit still, and even when I do sit still I am constantly moving about. I am just so impatient as well, so the idea that my recovery will be slow and that it's just going to take time just frustrates me!

However, I must look at it this way; how much progress have I made since the operation? Well just look at these photos! Even in the first few days of being at my mums, this is the difference in my head. The top photo was taken on the 23rd February, the day after I left hospital, and the bottom photo was taken on the 25th February.

Friday 26th February meant a trip to the doctors, to see a nurse and have my staples removed! I was bricking it to say the least. When the staples went in my head, I was away with the fairies in the land of anesthetic; however, when they will be pulled out (and may I add with a scissor-like contraption) I will be awake and feeling it! Now, the staples that held my scalp together were stuck into my head like staples into one of those cardboard displays you have in schools. Now, how did they get taken out of said wall? With a metal claw like contraption, and were yanked out the wall. And yes, that is exactly how staples are removed from someones head! God, I can still feel them being pulled out, even now. It got worse with the middle staples, as when the nurse pulled them put, I just felt so sick, like my stomach was being pulled up with the staples. The nurse had to keep reminding me to breath, as I was bracing myself so much to deal with the pain that I just plain forgot to breath! But 13 yanks later and I was metal free...horrah! My head instantly felt better, as it had been feeling so tight across my left side, due to the healing of the scar around the staples. This was the difference to my head after the staples had been removed. The top photo is the day before I had the staples removed (25/02/10), and the bottom photo is just after they were removed (26/02/10)!

So yes, my visual recovery was happening, as evident in the photos as my scar was healing. Just the other physical issues I was still having problems with seemed to have stopped getting any better and appear to be leveling off...in what is known as the Plateau...

Coming to terms with the accident - Did it really happen?

The hardest thing that I had to deal with was realising the seriousness of the whole ordeal. The actual accident to me never happened; I have no memory of it, I never saw it happen or felt it take place. I have very little recollection of the whole week I was in hospital. But it did happen. I have half a shaved head and a scar to prove it. I have the pain across my scar, the headaches that occur regularly, I still have the double vision, I still have the balance issues and I am still totally deaf in my left ear. Yet I still can't quite accept that it happened. it's almost as if the accident happened to someone else, but I am dealing with the aftermath. But it did happen to me; I have a very strong memory of the paramedic telling me in the ambulance that passers by saw me collapse. That is the strongest memory I have from the whole entire week. That is what is written on my notes from the RD&E hospital as well. Yet still it's hard for me to accept that I blacked out, totally collapsed and my head smashed to the floor. But it did. I have to find a way to accept it, maybe with time I will. But I think the biggest thing for me now is to actually accept that it happened. Even when the problems that still plague me have gone; when my balance returns, vision is back to normal and my hearing comes back. I need to find a way to accept what happened, as only then will my recovery be complete!

Home time!!!!

Yes, the title of this next post is 'Home Time'...

Monday morning meant being seen by doctors and my consultant, as they don't do their rounds in the weekend. This involved them all standing at the end of the bed, with my notes, and mumbling stuff to each other, and even when they spoke to me I had to get them to repeat it as I couldn't bloody hear as I have been deaf in my left ear since my accident. I think they mentioned something about seeing how I was in the next few days, then maybe see about going home. Well that wasn't what I was hoping for! But later that morning, after the nurses had made my bed and I had had a wash, I was taken for another CT scan to check to see how my head was. Basically to see if the clot had reformed or if there was any new bleeding etc. So I was pushed in a wheel chair to the x-ray department, by a very lovely and friendly man, who asked me about the origins of my name. I had the CT scan without having to wait and was taken straight back to my bed. Shortly after this at midday, my consultant came to see me and said the best news I had heard "your CT scan showed that there was no more bleeding and it was all how it should be, so you if you can arrange to be picked up, you can go home today"...Horray, I was being let out! So, I immediately rang mum and asked if she could pick me up. Then I rang my dad to tell him the good news too. I spent the afternoon packing up my stuff and chatting to the other ladies on my ward, and showing them my scar and shaved head, as the consultant had removed the dressing to see how it was healing. But it was only when that had been removed, and I had glanced at myself in the mirror did I realise I had metal staples in my head! It hadn't even occurred to me about staples, as I just presumed I had stitches, I suppose I never really thought about it. This was a big shock at first, and had to look away from my reflection as I hated it.

This is what I was left with after the surgery; half a shaved head and a scar the length of my hand held together with metal staples. Having my hair shaved off was worse for me than the operation I think, as to me, my hair means a lot and my hair is a big part of me, as I have had long hair for years; I wouldn't be me without my hair! But I know it will grow back and the scar will heal, hopefully beyond recognition! It's just the memories and horrific time I had will be with me forever. I know I had to have this done to save my life, so I suppose I got off quite lightly as I could quite easily be 6 feet down!

"The stolen week" that was taken from my life.....

So...now onto the week that was stolen from my life, due to the very little memory that I have of my time in hospital, what went on, what was said or even exactly what happened. So in theory, that week was stolen from my life by my accident, as I have no fixed memory of it, and that still continues to plague me.

I was in the RD&E hospital from when I got there by ambulance Monday (13/02/10) afternoon/evening, all of Tuesday and most of Wednesday, but none of which I really remember. My best friend came to visit me on the Tuesday and the Wednesday, after I had apparently rung her twice to tell her exactly the same thing that I was in hospital on Monday evening then Tuesday morning! My mum came to see me Tuesday and Wednesday I think as well, as at some point I must have given the doctors her number as my next of kin, but I vaguely remember any of that. I do remember them asking me over and over again for my next of kin but I couldn't figure out how or what they wanted from me, it just felt like I was on another planet. I don't even recall the amount of pain I was in or the amount of tests that the doctors did, which is probably a good thing! It wasn't until Wednesday 17th that I finally had a CT scan on my head, a whole 48 hours after I had been admitted. It was my continued confusion and amnesia that triggered them to do a scan on my head, after they knew I had collapsed and smashed it on the floor. And I seem to remember my hair was all matted at the back, presumably from blood, and I know I must have been bleeding from my ear as it was full with dried blood. Why they took 48 hours to scan my head I do not know, as I was bleeding from my ear for god's sake!!! But the result from the CT scan were not good, and I seem to remember a nurse trying her best to tell me what they had found, but I couldn't understand very well. Basically the CT scan revealed I had a haematoma (blood clot) to the left temporoparietal area of my skull, so basically a blood clot behind my left temple area, just above my ear (shown in the photo by the large red square). I had to fall and smash my head on the thinnest part of the skull!!! This was obviously the part of my head that had smashed the floor first, as it was the most damaged. I also managed to fracture the left petrous temporal bone, which is basically the part of bone behind the ear canal (shown on the photo by the small red square). This was caused from the fall and trauma from the accident, which showed I must have gone down like a lead weight and smashed my head quite dramatically.

Now, a blood clot is not good to have, let alone to have it in your skull! The blood clot however wasn't in the brain, but between my skull and the surface of my brain. A blood clot in that spot would have been causing pressure on my brain as it would have had no where to go as there is only so much space between the brain and the skull. And I would be suffering from bruising and swelling to my brain, from the force as my head hit the ground and from the pressure building up from the blood clot next to my brain. So, I needed surgery to remove the blood clot and relieve the pressure in my brain, as if not, the outcome would have not been good. So I was immediately whisked away from my mum and best friend and transferred to Derriford Hospital in Plymouth that evening, as that hospital is the neurological centre for the South West, and had to have surgery there.

Now, being whisked away from your mum to have possible surgery on your brain, without ever being in hospital before or having an operation is a scary, scary, SCARY thing to have happen to you!! I just remember saying goodbye to mum and my best friend, and being shoved into the back of an ambulance...all I could do was cry, and wonder what was going to happen, as at the time, I don't think I had been told that I was definitely going to have surgery. Again, I don't remember much of the journey to Plymouth, or how long it took....just that the paramedic who was sat with me did his best to try and cheer me up and to stop me from crying. So, I spent a very lonely night in Derriford, in the high dependency unit (HDU), hooked up to a monitoring machine I think, that had my heart rate and such on it. I think I was visited a lot in that night by nurses, but like in Exeter, I only have a vague memory of what was going on. So the morning of the 18th February came, and the day of my operation. I am still not sure when they told me I was having the operation, and what they were actually going to do. All I knew is that I was having an operation on my brain to remove the blood clot! It was a very long and lonely day, drifting in and out of sleep and possibly consciousness....as I really don't remember much of the daytime at all. Apart from visits from nurses, doctors and anesthetists, getting me ready for surgery and asking me questions and such like. I also had lots of text messages from my family and friends wishing me well for surgery, to which left me in tears due to the support and love I got from each message. Not only did their words get me through the loneliness of that day, but I am, even to this day, indebted to them from the support that they gave me throughout the whole horrific experience. Finally, somewhere between 4pm and 5pm, I went for theatre and had a left craniectomy and evacuation of extradural haematoma. I only know the time of my surgery from my dad as he posted an update to all my friends on my wall on facebook. During this time my soul spent the time fighting against the drugged up nightmare of the anaesthetic, which was far from the awakening dream of reality. I think it only lasted a few hours or so, and I eventually came round to a lovely nurse sat right next to me saying hello and shoving some morphine into my veins..fab!! The next thing I recall is being sat up in bed, back in the HDU, and seeing the best sight ever at the entrance to the ward; my mum! She was getting information on how the operation went and how I was from the doctor. I don't remember anything else that evening, but mum has told me that when she walked over to my bed, I just burst into tears when she hugged me. That night I was still hooked up to a monitoring machine, had to have oxygen and had hourly ob's, but hardly remember much of the night. I then don't remember anything until the next day, in the afternoon, when I got another fabulous surprise, not only did my mum visit me again, but my dad, sister, brother-in-law and nephew came to see me too. This was a fabulous sight, to see them all walking into the small ward I was on. I must have looked a sight though as I had numerous spaghetti junctions coming out of me, due to the drips, drains and various tubes going in and out of my arms and head! But they stayed for a good hour I think, and it was fab to see everyone and have a natter. My 14 month old nephew kept everyone amused as he just wanted my grapes my mum had brought me and just kept eating them! But I didn't much care that he was eating them, as it was just fabulous to see everyone.

I spent the next few days sleeping mainly, apart from being awake at meal times, drug rounds and when the nurses needed to check my ob's. I just spent the weekend sleeping really. I knew I was getting more like myself when, I woke up at 6am on Saturday (20/02/10) morning and I was grumpy as hell! I was moved into a normal ward, in the early hours of the day after my surgery. It was only a small ward, and the other women in there were friendly, and we did all chat a bit after we all got a bit more like ourselves after our different surgeries. It was fairly quiet anyway, but as I could only lie on my my right side, I covered up my good ear, so I couldn't hear anything at all...so sleeping wasn't an issue.

So it got to Sunday...and I was getting bored, grumpy and fed up....a sign I was getting better! One of my mates came to see me, as well as my mum. Which was fab as I had spent Saturday all on my own as no-one could get to visit me. Apart from that I slept and tried to eat food. But I knew Monday was the next day, and the doctor had said there was a possibility I could go home!

A note I have to say again is the amazing support I got from my friends and family throughout my time in hospital. Not only did I receive many wonderful and beautifully written text messages, but as I also kept people up to date via facebook on my mobile, I got many messages of support on my wall. I was so glad to be able to do that, as I got so many lovely messages left by friends when I changed my statuses and on my wall; it really kept me going and helped me through the darkness of the night times, the loneliness of the day times, and through the sheer terror I felt before the operation. It really shows you how much you are loved, when something really traumatic happens to you, and shows you how amazing your family and friends are. It has also shown me who my real friends are, and I was so touched to know I have so many. If any of you are reading this (you know who you are), I am so grateful for your amazing words of support, you helped me through my horrific week and continue to do so, and I love you all very dearly!

15th February 2010...

So...on to the day that my life was changed drastically within a matter of seconds, and something that will stay with me for a long time to come yet. The story is quite simple, but it ends up being complex due to the severity of the accident and the trauma that I suffered. But I am writing this in my blog as I hope to not only help and inspire people in similar situations, but also a way I can come to terms with what happened to me. And also how something good can come of this and that new light can grow through destruction.

Okay, so picture the scene....it's 4.30pm Monday 15th of February, I had just left my first shift at my new job and decided to sit by the river at the end of Cowick Street in Exeter to make a phone call, before I carried on with my walk home through town to get some food. I decided to walk as I had been in the hot kitchen all day and just needed to get some fresh air, even though it was a good 40 minute walk; if I had got the bus I wonder whether my day would have worked out differently!? Now, this is the bit that gets very vague in my memory, but then saying that I don't actually remember my walk from work to the river much at all either! So, I get to the river side and sit on a concrete step on the bank of the river and make a phone call; whether or not I managed this phone call I will never know! I remember suddenly feeling very hot, nauseous and having flashing black lights in my vision, almost as if I'm going to faint. I think I remember standing up (why, I really do not know...as if I felt like I was going to faint why would I make things worse by standing up?!), then I remember stumbling. But now I try and think back to that day, and it's funny as I can remember feeling hot and the black flashing lights in my vision, but as for me stumbling, it's almost as if I am looking at myself from a distance and not though my eyes. The image I see is me from behind at a distance, stumbling and trying to grab onto something, but it's not daylight, it is misty and almost sepia in colour. Maybe this is due to my memory, or lack of it, and how I am trying to put piece to piece together from the very little that I can actually remember from that day. Or maybe it could even be one of those near death experiences, where you are close to death, but something brings you back. I don't know, I suppose I don't really want to think of it too much, but that's how I see it. So, okay I remember being on the verge of fainting, almost collapsing and trying to grab onto something..........

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..........the next thing I remember is waking up, lying flat on my back unable to move in what appears to be a moving box and staring up at a blacked out window, hearing rattling and a slight noise of an engine, with a lady talking to me but I can't figure out what she is saying. I remember that this totally spins me out as I have a vague memory of trying to figure out if it was reality or a dream, and if it was reality, what the hell was actually going on! But the moving box turned out to be an ambulance, with me strapped down to a bed, racing me (with blue's and two's) towards A&E with the paramedic asking me questions. This must be around 5 pm by now, well from what I can figure out, as I suppose it depends on how long it took for the ambulance to get to me and how long I was unconscious for. I know it can't have been long as I do remember being told that passers by had seen me collapse and had called 999. The only question I remember from this journey (which probably was a good 20 minutes due to the traffic in Exeter) is her asking me what the date was, to which I replied march 2008. Great! I had been unconscious (for how long I will never know) and was now experiencing my first taste of amnesia!! That is the only part of the journey I remember, and then think I remember being taken out of the ambulance and wheeled into A&E, possibly, but then that's it, as it just goes blank again. I remember lot's of different doctors faces, lot's of talking (about what I don't know) and lights being shone into my eyes, and being sick, throwing up blood in the darkness of the night with blood dripping from my nose. I think a doctor or nurse at one point in the night said I was throwing up blood as it was dripping down my throat from my nose. Then my memory is blank again...

What I can now figure out is basically I had just completely collapsed, without even being able to put my arms out to break my fall as I had totally blacked out (what's called a syncopal episode), and smashed my head on the concrete step I must have been sat on. Apparently according to the paramedic, passers by had seen me collapse and smash my head and had called 999, to which I am very pleased about as I wouldn't like to think of what the outcome may have been if not!

How did I end up in accident emergency....

Hey Guys,

Well, the title of this post is the main reason why I am even writing this blog and why I am creating this blog. The line "How did I end up in accident emergency" is from the song 'A&E' by the band Goldfrapp. I found this song by chance as I was watching a television program and a tiny part of the song was played. So I did a google search on the lyrics I had heard as I didn't know the song or recognise the band. Once I found out what band it was and what it was called I went onto iTunes and downloaded the song, and then spent the whole weekend (13th/14th March 2010) listening to it. For some reason I couldn't stop listening to it, as something about it called out to me and I was mesmerized by the music and lyrics. If you haven't heard it before, this will link you to the official video on youtube.

This song is now very important to me and rings truth to my life as to what happened to me and now strangely manages to comfort me, and I can find solace and salvation every time I listen to it. It still hits me that I strangely managed to see what was going to happen to me after the weekend, almost like a premonition that I never spotted. Although even if I did notice it, I doubt I could have done anything about it. As we all know, if something is going to happen, it will eventually happen, no matter how much we try to stop it or get around it.

So, this only really introduces why I even decided to call my blog 'How did I end up in accident emergency'. The following posts will explain what happened to me and how my life was drastically changed in a matter of seconds, and subsequently why this song is so important to me. By writing this blog I hope to help people in similar situations, giving advise and help that I found to be useful and how I got through my recovery. If I manage to help or even comfort just one person, then writing this blog will be worth it! I told one of my oldest and best friends I was going to do this and she just replied and said "arrr, see you go working for the good of mankind again". So yes, I hope this will be an inspiring read to someone, if not, I know it will help me to comes to terms with what happened to me and how I can make the most of this traumatic experience. As my horoscope said shortly after my accident happened "Destruction gives opportunity for brand new growth and advancement. Recall the phoenix who rises up from the ashes, and embody the spirit that makes the phoenix so powerful against all odds". This is one of those times when your horoscope is scarily very accurate!!!

Happy reading :o)