Back to the scene of 'the Accident'

Okay, so it was mother's day yesterday, and my sister decided to come to Exeter for the day so she could treat my mum to lunch. She lives in Cornwall, so she had arranged to meet us at midday in Exeter city centre. As I can't walk in a straight line, let alone drive, my mum has been driving me to places. We were in the car on the way to Exeter and something suddenly pops into my head - I wanted to go back to the spot by the river where I had 'the Accident'. Now you will notice that I have suddenly changed to using 'the Accident'; having a capital A and showing it in quotation marks. I am not sure why I have suddenly done this, but it maybe something to do with the recovery and healing process. Although I only started this after I went back to the scene of 'the Accident', so it might have evolved from hidden emotions or feeling I had from the visit. Anyway, back to the car journey to Exeter when I suddenly realised I wanted to go back to the spot by the river. So I ask mum if it would be okay to stop by the river on the way back home, to which she agrees without a moments thought. 

The day goes well; we have lunch, amused by the antics of my totally adorable baby nephew, then have a long stroll through town. We say our goodbye's to my sister, brother-in-law and nephew a few hours later, then set off to the river the other side of town. I have to admit I had a mixture of excitement and anxiety on our way there, as I just did not know what to expect or how I was going to feel. We get to Cowick Street, and park a short distance from where the footpath goes down to the river, where I know it must have happened. Walking across the road, I start to think about that Monday and my walk to the river from work, but I can't seem to picture it at all. I remember leaving work, but then the walk there is just not in my memory any more. So we cross the road, and meet the river, at the path I know I must have walked down to sit on the concrete step where I made my phone call. With the wind blowing in our faces, the great expanse where the river lies met us. I stand still, as if frozen, trying to get any memory in my head to come out; but it doesn't. It takes me a few minutes to actually see the spot where I was sat, as I do remember sitting on a concrete step. The picture below is the concrete step, or wall as it turns out to be, I remember being sat on, right next to where my bag is pictured. That memory is the only vivid memory I have from that entire day; I was sat on the wall, with my bag to the right of me and was looking out over the river.

The concrete wall I remember being sat on, next to my bag!

So, both me and my mum sit of the concrete wall, in the exact position I remember being sat at, and look out over the river. Right, so now we figured that one out, we had to try and piece together what might have happened! I was both surprised and grateful that no memories what so ever came flooding back when we got to the concrete wall, as I don't think I could have faced the horrid memories that could have come back. We then start to piece together what we knew about 'the Accident' (the keen forensic anthropologist that I want to be!!) I knew that I had stood up from being sat down, as I do have a memory of that, and it was also written on my notes.  

Possible routes I may have stumbled during 'the Accident'

Right, so above is a photo of the area where I must have had 'the Accident' and the area where I must have collapsed. The red circle is where I remember sitting, the red square is where I would have stood up when I had the flashing black lights, and the three different clear red circles show the possible route my stumbling may have taken me. The first route, number 1, would have meant I stood up, then stumbled to the left of me, trying to grab onto something, then blacked out and collapsed, hitting the left side of my head on the concrete wall. Number 2 shows I may have stood up, stumbled a bit, but blacked out and collapsed very quickly, without managing to stumble very far. The last possible route, number 3, meant I must have stumbled a fair way across the path trying to grab onto something before I blacked out, collapsed, then smashed the left side of my head on the low curb type concrete edge to the path! So we worked out three possible routes as to how I succumbed my damaged head! I am not sure which one I think is the one that would have been more likely to have happened, or whether it was a mixture of all three. I do remember stumbling for a fair bit, drastically trying to grab onto something as I knew I couldn't stand and was very close to collapsing. I know there was a woman, pushing a grey pram up the hill towards me, and she must have been the 'passer by' that saw me and dialled 999. 

So although I still don't know exactly what happened in those few minutes before I blacked out and collapsed, I am a bit closer to understanding what may have happened. And going back to the exact scene will eventually help me to come to terms with the whole ordeal, even though now it has just left me feeling numb.